A year later

Heartbreaking story but this mom wants every parent to read this

Forever Anniston Jade

On January 12, 2014, my life was forever changed by one phone call. “Baby, I had a wreck” was all I heard on the other end of the phone talking to our daughters dad. In a split second, our lives changed by a brief moment that caused the car to go into the other lane of oncoming traffic.

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Anniston Jade was born on May 8, 2010. She was a beautiful little girl. We watched her grow everyday & like all parents, we had hopes and dreams for her. When she was born, Anniston had jet black hair and it was a straight as could be. As she grew older, it turned blonde and curly. She was the prettiest thing we had ever seen.
I will never forget her excitement as she opened up her presents on her 3rd birthday. A pack of panties made her the happiest little girl and…

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Kan we say enough of the Kardashians already?

America, I need your help. I need a united front though. Please hear me out.

I am not going to lie and say that I’ve never watched one of the many of the Kardashian’s “reality” shows. I have and if I’m being 100% honest here, I enjoyed watching it too! It pains me to admit that, but late at night there aren’t many options on TV, and mindless entertainment can help you to forget about a long day.

However lately I’ve been ambushed with Kim and her selfie book, Kanye receiving an honorary doctorate (even though he is a college drop out), Kylie and her lip injections, and how could we ever forget about Bruce. I started reading some articles and what I was reading was astounding to me.

Kim’s annual salary range per year is estimated at $25-30 million!!!! For being on the internet! She “earns” money from her DASH stores, books, paid personal appearances, clothes, and products she endorses and has her name on too.  Also from her charity eBay site (keep reading).

Really think about this. She became famous because of a sex tape.

Let it sink in.

My problem here is that she is so mega-rich because of US, the people of the world. Sure her days may be long and tiresome, but she doesn’t actually work. Maybe, just maybe she designs a few things here or there, but let’s be honest, what she and all the other Kardashians/Jenner girls do is not hard. Showing up for appearances where you get paid a ton to look trashy, eat and drink free food and spirits, and have people answer to your every beck and call is not hard. Posing for pictures with fans may get annoying after a while but it’s not hard. Creating a book out of pictures of yourself with no story or plot, is not hard. Trying some products and tweaking them (which means someone else actually makes it and changes it), also not hard work. The hardest thing they have to do is be at the right place at the right time which they pay their crazy mom to keep track of for them, so I’ll give Kris credit with doing some work. She is the one after all, who turned Kim’s sex tape scandal into this mega empire.

Here’s a small sampling of some of Kim’s earnings; Business Insider previously reported that she makes $10,000 PER TWEET on Twitter. PER TWEET PEOPLE! And her app and game makes an estimated $700,000 A DAY according to CNN. A DAY! She “earns” anywhere from $150,000-1 million for personal appearances and has an insane demands list which accompanies every appearance.

My other problem is that Kim (I’m targeting her if you hadn’t noticed) is so freaking excessive! Maybe this is where my jealousy over her insane net worth comes in to play, but good grief, can you do some good with that fortune?!? Lauren Weigle from Heavy.com reported that Kim spends $1 million per year on her beauty regimen. I can’t even fathom this. I can’t understand how you can have so much money that you spend 1 million just on looking good? She literally makes the phrase “looking like a million bucks” a reality.  She also reportedly spends $100,000 just on a professional selfie retoucher. WTF??? Her and Kanye spent some $20 million on their dream home and another $2.9 mil for the property next door so they can probably tear that house down. Because they probably (I’m making a few assumptions!) have an entourage that will be staying with them in their house here and there, they need their 2 swimming pools, it’s very own vineyard (expect some Kimye chardonnay soon?), 2 spas, and over 1,000 square foot patio, blah, blah, blah, to accommodate everyone comfortably. I saw a picture of the home playground baby North is getting and its bigger than my entire house! No joke!

In an interview with Look to the Stars (looktothestars.org) in 2009, Kim stated that she is active in 17 charities.  She states “I was raised always being taught to give 10% of my earnings to the church”, and “Giving back and helping others in need has been a way of life!” Brandy Reynolds from the site asked her “Does any of your recent work reflect your feelings on world issues?” Kim’s response, “All of my work does.  From charity events to how I live my everyday life.”

Really??!!??

What??!!?? How does the way she lives her life reflect on her feelings of world issues? Oh yeah, selfishly!

I know this was stated 6 years ago so maybe she did more then? Another interesting fact is the church she tithes to was founded by her mother Kris Jenner, Life Change Community Church. So essentially she is donating to her mom? (there is no breakdown on how the church uses the $ or if Kris gets any of the donations personally) Kim apparently does monthly eBay auctions and donates 10% of what she makes off those sales to different charity’s, essentially selling her old clothes and donating other people’s money. Here’s the real kicker, her personal net worth of around $65 million (not including Kayne’s of $130 million), includes earnings from her eBay “charity” auctions! She came under a lot of scrutiny when she donated from her eBay auction to help people in the Philippines after the typhoon, only giving away her standard 10% and an article leaked on how she makes money off of her charity work on her eBay site. People tweeted “How dare you use these people’s misery to make money?” Don’t you and boyfriend have enough money without using these poor wretched souls in their hour of desperation. Shame on you!”

Yes a donation is a donation however you want to look at it, but its pretty disgusting to me that she “earns” money from her donations and tithes to a church that was invented by Kris. Lets not forget that she is spending $1 million a year just on beauty!!!

While I’m speaking of disgusting, this brings me to the point of this whole post.  I am asking our society to have some respect for themselves. Lets stop supporting people for doing nothing.  I’m all for the American Dream and I have nothing against successful people who have the drive and determination to make their dreams come true and honestly put in hard work and long hours and tons of sweat and tears.  Let’s support the small businesses of the U.S.A. Let’s help keep their dreams alive. Please put your money to good use and not to support socialites. Lets support people with good morals and values. What values do the Kardashians possess? I can’t think of one.

Years ago I could have cared less about watching the Kardashians and maybe would have even bought some of their hairspray or fragrance, but now I have kids, and I have informed myself on them, and I want to puke.

I pray, my daughter Reagan will never know of them.  I am so sad that my stepdaughter’s probably look up to them and want to be like them.  If my son ever brought home a girl like one of them, he would be locked in his room forever!

It honestly pains me to think about all the Kardashians right now and all that they represent.  Terrible role models but they don’t care because they have MILLIONS of followers. It’s frightening and a sign of the times, and I hate it!

I care and I ask you, all of America, to care too and lets rid our lives of them.  Lets praise and support positive role models for our children, siblings, cousins, etc. Don’t help to make people like the Kardashians richer. What are you getting out of it besides a tv show to watch?

I know it’s a pipe dream, but hey, I’m a dreamer 🙂

 

I blame my husband

So lately its been one challenge after another here at our house. I had a little bout of pneumonia, Noah has had some major attitude and Reagan simply won’t quit whining and crying for about 18 hours a day.
It all adds up every day and is simply exhausting.
Ten deep breaths, more like fifty are needed anymore. I will say my daughter has observed me taking my breaths and now does that herself. I can’t help but smile when she inhales and exhales fully then tells herself to calm down. It doesn’t always work though.
This is why I haven’t been able to write  as often as I’d like.
Anyways, my husband and I were talking about our kids and he said that his mom would tell him that he was going to have a child just like him. You know the famous saying “I hope you have a kid just like you one day!” Said by moms across the world for generations.
Well, this is why I blame him.
When Noah acts like a punk, I blame Matt.
When Reagan simply won’t stop whining, I blame Matt for that too.
He should have been a better child! Ha ha.
I bet you’re wondering if I ever blame myself? The truth is, in the thick of it when I’m asking God for patience and grace, I’m usually asking what I did in my past to deserve this behavior from my kids too. I never get a clear answer, but I do blame myself when they are nice and kind and generally well behaved. 🙂

So here’s to a new week, renewed hope for more patience and grace, and feeling better about myself knowing I have my hubby to take all the blame.

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Its all going to be OK!

Dear Mom and Dad,

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I have to thank you and ask you, how did you do it? I look back on my life and I have such fond memories of my childhood and I don’t know how you were able to do that for me in spite of everything that you were going through with my older siblings and in your life in general.

As a parent myself, I am now realizing how awful I was at times to you two for really no good reason, and how truly difficult being mom really can be. I feel like I’m trying my best to raise good humans, but wonder if I am at times, because Noah can be so rude and stubborn and RUDE, and I’m like “Where the hell did this child grow up, a barn???”

You guys always taught me to be polite and grateful for what I had. We didn’t grow up wealthy but I never needed anything and I feel like I never acted like a spoiled brat when I was a kid, although I could be completely wrong about that.  Despite things that were going on in my youth I got to do so much and try different things and I had fun. You made me into a well-rounded individual and I’m trying desperately to raise my kids the same way. I know it wasn’t always roses and rainbows with me, as children are simply self-centered people by nature, but feeling blessed is the overwhelming feeling I have looking back on my childhood. Thank you for that.

You taught me that God is great and a famous saying mom always says to me is “Let go and let God”. Sometimes I need to let go of what I can’t control, or let go of what’s controlling me and let God take over. He has the master plan and I need to keep my faith, especially when times are tough.

You taught me patience and I’m a complete mix of you two.  I have Dad’s laid back attitude along with Mom’s bit of spaziness.  A lot of times with my kids, I see my spaziness shine through more than I’d like and that’s why I take my 10 deep breaths and try to “let go”. You have inspired me to have a great marriage, and I know your’s hasn’t always been perfect, but in a few months we will be celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary and that makes me so proud and full of emotion because it is so rare in this day and age. I truly hope that I can be married that long-what an inspiration.

Throughout your 50 years of marriage, I know you’ve had your ups and downs, just like everyone.  You have experienced the worst loss imaginable with Eric dying and some of the greatest highs with the birth of all your grandchildren. Growing up you two weren’t overly lovey-dovey, but you always kissed goodbye and hello, and you didn’t fight often in front of me that I can recall, but you also didn’t hide arguments showing me that you were human, and relationships aren’t perfect and that is ok.

I came later in life for you guys, and you both worked full-time, had teenagers to deal with (one with some major problems), and yet we always had homemade dinners, went on family vacations, made time for each other and had a home filled with laughter. My childhood was kinda split because I had Eric and Christy there at home with me until I was like 12, then they moved on and I was like an only child for the remainder of my time there. I have to say that was pretty cool because I got to experience growing up with siblings AND have those years with you guys basically all to myself. I ruined that for a while when I was around 15 and decided to become a rebel and give you grief, but hopefully it wasn’t too traumatic for you (I still feel bad to this day). At times I wished my siblings were closer to my age, but I had have great friends who are like sisters to me.

So without going on for days, I just want to thank you and know how you made it look so easy? How were you able to not show me how difficult it can be and make my childhood memories filled with love and joy? How did you raise us to not be self-centered people but caring people who try to help others first? How did you keep your cool when extremely frustrated? How did you always have time to cook meals while working full time and juggling 3 kids schedules? How DO you stay married for 50 years?

Some people cringe when they start to talk like their parents, but when I catch myself doing it, I smile because I look up to you both. I am feeling sentimental lately because I see you both getting older and I need to absorb all I can from you and I want my kids to have the same fond memories of you two that I have.

The more grief my kids give me, the more I appreciate you, ha ha. Isn’t that the beauty of life?!?

I wish I lived closer. I love you both!

Love, your “itty bitty”

climbing trees with Grandpa

climbing trees with Grandpa

“Grandmia” as taken by Reagan age 2

We Don’t Need No Thought Control

Seriously important read for all parents!

A Buick in the Land of Lexus

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Our kids are in CRISIS.

I work with teenagers in an affluent suburban area.

They don’t comprehend what they read. They use calculators to multiply 10 x 10. The average high school junior has no clue what the word “diligent” means.

They write essays resembling those of a 5th grader. About how Albert Einstein discovered electricity.

In tests administered in reading, science and math to 15 year-olds globally, we are behind TWENTY NINE countries in math. And our kids’ performance in reading and science is  not much better. And yet, American investment in education is unrivaled, globally.

Are you scared yet?

We lead the world in the consumption of illegal recreational drugs. And one of the chief sales outlets?

Our SCHOOLS.

Our teenage suicide rate is the highest in the world.

EVERY DAY there are over 5,400 suicide attempts by kids in grades 7 – 12.

NOW are you scared?

The two places teenagers…

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I’m trying not to be a “helicopter mom” but my kids won’t let me!

So its a beautiful day today and my house is a wreck (go figure) and I want to at least tidy it up so I can try to relax. The kids want to play outside-perfect, they’ll be out of my way so I can get something done today. My brain has all these awesome thoughts but my kids have other plans for me.

My only rule is for them to stay in the back. We live 4 streets back in a nice neighborhood with woods in our backyard. There are no fences separating any of the backyards and I can easily see 3 yards from my windows and I have various windows open all over the house to be able to hear them at all times. Noah, almost 6 loves to “be in charge” of Reagan, almost 3. “OK, stick together and stay in the back 3 yards. Go play!” I say.
It starts off well enough and I check them a few times, all is good. I start to put laundry away.

Ding-dong.

Reagan enters the house only after pushing door bell to tell me she wants to go on the slide. That’s where she just was.

“OK Reagy’s, go on slide. Stay in the back by brother,” I say. “OK Mom.”

2 minutes later. Ding-dong.

“Hi Mom, I wanna run fast.” Her little voice yells to me.

“OK Reagy’s, run fast. Stay in the back and run by brother.”

Again with the doorbell another 15 times in 10 minutes. “I hear a bird, I hear it,” she proclaims. “I like my shoes, I see flowers (weeds), watch this, scratch that.”

“Go play,” I respond almost every time.
Then comes brother (Noah).

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They do love each other most of the time

Mom!” “Mom look at this stick, I’m killing this spider cause Reagan is scared of it, watch this, get me that, I have to poop.”

Good grief children. I try to release a little control and allow them half an hour to be “free” and they won’t let me. Usually I’m out there with them in my helicopter telling them to do this and not that, and I’ve ruined them from being able to be out there and not communicate every detail with me. I’ve created little monsters with my need to control and my overwhelming desire to always protect them.
Oh well, small steps. They still had fun, my house is still a mess and for now my helicopter is parked nearby.

Some things I didn’t realize until I had my own kids

I felt confident going into mommyhood. I grew up loving children, had 4 nieces who I babysat and cherished, was 30 when I had my first kid (had some age on me for life experiences), and my hubby already had 2 daughters so I knew he was a great dad.  I was newly married and couldn’t wait to have my own child.  I talked to other mom’s, read all sorts of books and magazines, had even worked at an Ob/Gyn office for a while before conceiving. I was ready.

Or so I thought.

Some things you can never prepare for no matter how hard you try, and you just have to experience them on your own. Here is my list of things that I didn’t know or realize until I had my own kids, despite all my preparations.  They are in no particular order.

I was scared of my vagina. I had an epidural so all I could feel down there was some pressure and I knew when my contractions were happening but they didn’t hurt anymore (thank God because it was a long 7 hours before I could get it), however I was holding Noah and all 8 pounds, 8 ounces of him and I couldn’t help but think about how he came out of my vag. He was stuck for a bit because his one arm decided to come out with his head so that was interesting and there were some complications from that in my “special area”.  All and all, I was ok, but after he came out, I wanted nothing to do with my vagina ever again!  I dreaded peeing and lets not even talk about pooping after birth, there were all sorts of things gushing out of my crotch at any given time, and after epidural wore off it was sore. When I got home, I wanted to know what was going on down there but I was too afraid to look-for a very long time.  Eventually all was good again in vagina land and I went on to have another child and be scared all over again.

Emotions. I thought my pregnancy emotions were bad enough but shoot, I couldn’t even watch some commercials without bawling my eyes out after delivery.  I’m here to tell ya it gets worse before it gets better. After baby, all these emotions are stirring around inside you and it creates a tornado of feelings for a little while. Combine the tornado with lack of sleep, people in and out of your house all the time, not being able to wear normal clothes yet and being scared of your vagina, well you get it. I never realized I could be happy and sad all at the same exact time. I never realize that I would have no control over this either.

Breastfeeding. Again with all my books and talking to other breastfeeding moms, I was excited to do this. It was good for baby and me, it was free, and it was always available with no preparation or clean up.  Well it was all those things, but over time.  I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be and I wanted to quit. I had the lactation expert in my room at the hospital all the time to help me and Noah still didn’t latch correctly. It hurt like a sonofabitch! I dreaded feeding him the first couple days because I knew the pain that was coming and would wonder why other moms liked this.  Then one day about a week after his birth, I put Noah on the boobies while I was cringing and cursing in my head, when all of a sudden it didn’t hurt!!! He got it and it didn’t hurt and we both looked at each other with relief and happiness. It became easier for both of us and we stuck it out despite a few more obstacles over the year I breast fed him. It is super convenient especially in the middle of the night and it keeps your period away for a while too, however it is a major commitment that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I never realized all that was involved and all the pressure to keep production up, but some of my most cherished times with my kids when they were babies was when I was breastfeeding them 🙂

A different type of exhaustion. I’ve been a night owl my whole life. literally. So getting up with baby here and there throughout the night didn’t seem like it was going to be too hard. I must have been drunk when I was thinking that! In the case of Noah, he started crying the night we brought him home and didn’t stop for a month straight. His favorite time to cry was at night when everyone else was sleeping and had to get up for work and school and that went on for YEARS. no joke.  Maybe if he was just up at night and not screaming the whole time, I would have been ok, but he was rough. I tried swaddling, feeding, rocking, walking inside and outside, we would drive him around in the car, i shooshed and swayed. I would bounce him gently as i was walking around the house singing songs and adding my own words like “this is why people drink alcohol”, and “hush little baby, go the fuck to sleep, you’re making me crazy and I wanna drink!” Too bad I didn’t write a book like Adam Mansbach did (Go the F**k to Sleep) at least I would have been tired, miserable, frustrated and making some money at the same time!!! Big regret there, lol. He had biological sleep problems that haunted us for years even with help from sleep specialists and doctors. Well, exhausted doesn’t even describe it.  I was so tired (so was my poor hubby who had to work all day after listening to him scream all night) that I was scared to drive because I didn’t want to fall asleep behind the wheel. I did actually “pass out” at a red light once, and awoke suddenly when cars were honking at me.  Not good!  I’m jealous when I hear about babies that sleep at night, I secretly want everyone to suffer like we did.

No one cares about you after baby is born. You are simply the access to the baby.  No one cares about you anymore. They might ask how you’re doing, they don’t really care. Just open the door and give them the baby.

Doubting yourself. Still do this everyday. I knew parenting would be difficult, but I didn’t realize how difficult until I had kids.  How could you realize that though, without experiencing it.  I doubted so much when they were babies, and still doubt my parenting skills today.  I think that will stay with you until they are grown. I feel like if I’m not having doubts then I’m not normal. I have learned however, to go with my gut, try my best, and when I make a mistake (often happens), I need to learn for it, apologize and move on.  Sometimes you don’t have time to doubt yourself and you just have to let go and let God take over and move on.  It can be to overwhelming to contemplate every single decision you have to make. Just know its normal.

kids are disgusting and annoying. Being an Aunt and a step mom is different that being MOM. I spent a lot of time with my nieces when they were born and little so I knew diapers were gross, but i didn’t realize how disgusting kids are on a daily basis throughout a lot of their years.  Besides the obvious dirty diapers and puke, my kids have disgusted me with painting their rooms with their bowl movements, put stuff in and take stuff out of toilets, find bird carcasses in the yard and bring them to me (wtf), pull worms out of pockets, and hide food behind things as to play a game called locate the smell. Ive been pooped on, peed on, puked on, bled on, spit on and farted on. KIDS ARE GROSS. Also, I didn’t realize how much they would annoy the hell outta me. All day long its mom, mom, mom, hey mom, where are you mom, mommy, mother, mom, mommy, mom, mom. ALL DAY LONG!  I couldn’t wait for them to say mama, sometimes i cant wait till they stop. They constantly climb on me, have to sit on me which means all 3 of us are crowded together on a couch that has plenty of room but we have to be on top of each other and the whining-OMG! The constantly whining is the worst. No one said being mom would be easy right!?!

Fighting with your spouse/significant other. You could have the greatest relationship in the world with your hubby/boyfriend,etc. but once the babes come so does the arguments. It’s because you’re and emotional, exhausted wreck and he can’t do anything right. You’ll fight over nonsense and move on. He’ll still never do anything right but you learn to love him despite that 🙂

How short the 1st year of life really is. You don’t realize this until a few years later when you look at your kids and wish they were babies again. Even with Noah who made his first year of life extremely difficult and challenging, I think back now and it seems like it went by in the blink of an eye. Either that or I blocked most of it out of my mind! Honestly though, they change and evolve so much in their 1st year that its completely amazing and miraculous. I never realized how fast it goes and how much you miss when they were itty bitty. Cherish it if you can

The amount of love you feel for these people. Of course I love my husband and nieces and step daughters to bits, but until you have a child of your own, you don’t know what true love feels like.  It’s impossible to describe and overwhelming at times. It gets you through all the tough shit and times when you feel like you hate them. It is divine.

Technology

Technology has been on my mind a lot lately. Our society relies so heavily on it and its crazy to me how its evolved into something we can’t seem to live without. It actually makes me long for days gone by. Let me explain.

I have strong feelings of happiness from my childhood. Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s was a perfect time for me. I was having a conversation with my 13-year-old step daughter a while back on how great that was and she asked me what made it so great. I couldn’t exactly explain, as you can’t always describe the feelings that take you back to a time when you were happy, but I said that growing up then was so much simpler. We have more available at our fingertips 24/7 now more than ever before but its ruining our lives. I’m afraid for my younger kids while they are growing up as I’m sure the advances in technology will be mind numbing. What happened to the good old days?

When I was a kid we had to know phone numbers and actually call and talk to people on the phone. We would talk for hours with our friends, get off the phone and then write notes to the very people we just talked to for 3 hours. What did we even have to talk about for so long? We would “play” on the playground at school, not stand around texting people or snapchatting, etc. We made plans a few days in advance and went and did things instead of sitting at a friend’s house on cell phones all night.  We weren’t able to be accessed by our parents at any given time, yet we had so much more freedom it seems. Times were different.

We had to look up definitions in a book called a dictionary and figure things out without the help of YouTube. Saving up to buy a tape of your favorite singers music was a highlight and going to the music store at the mall was fun and exciting. Our technological advances back then were cordless phones, CD’s and Walkman’s, stereo’s that held 6 disks, and so on. Nintendo was a big deal, as the graphics were amazing compared to Sega or Atari and you used your computer to type reports and whatever your parents did with it. The internet was even “invented” until I was in high school (GASP!). Cartoons were watched on Saturday mornings only and life was great.

As much as I use modern-day technology and enjoy the world at my fingertips, its annoys me to no end too.  Everywhere I go, people are on their phones. Stores have to put signs up to tell people to stay off their phones while in line, ordering, etc. but its a futile effort. People are rude with their phones and act as if they are so important that they can’t order food or talk to the person they are with because they have to reply to texts or take a call.  Anytime my step daughter says she “talked” to one of her friends, I know that means they texted for a bit. Besides her parents and me I’m not sure if she’s actually talked to anyone on her phone.  I only know about 3 people’s phone numbers anymore, as a kid I could rattle off at least 20 different numbers. The 3 phone numbers I remember are my husbands, my parents, and the other one is my best friend of 25 + years parents number.  I can remember that one to this day, yet haven’t dialed it in probably 17 years. Other than that if it’s not on my phone I have no clue.

Smartphones have also enabled the youth of today to think that they deserve to have everything instantaneously since they can do anything on the phone and get results instantaneously.  Patience is gone and laziness is everywhere. Technology today is what makes me (us) feel like bad mothers too, because we can compare ourselves to others just by checking our Facebook.

It is a curse and a blessing.

I have also had some conversations with friends about how terrible technology can be when it comes to our youth and bullying. When I was a kid, I got picked on all the time for being  “4 eyed” (thank you contact inventor), having a major over bite which spawned my nickname “chipper” short for chipmunk (thank you braces), I was taller when boys were still waiting for their growth spurt (awkward!), I didn’t have designer clothes and I was flat chested until my sophomore year of high school. I also had an afro for a period of time during my developing years. I got picked on during class, at lunch and on the playground.  Nothing major, I didn’t feel terrible about myself and I had a really great core group of friends who had my back, but it happened and I’m sure I picked on others too. Ok, I know I did-I’m not proud.  But after I got home from school, the teasing ended and I was cute to my family. Nowadays with the internet and all the social media outlets, that “picking on” turns into personal attacks and follows these poor people around wherever they go every day and every night. It’s in their face and that is really awful. There is no escape and whatever mean people are putting out there, never goes away in internet land. It has dire consequences that young people don’t realize or think about until it’s too late sometimes. I couldn’t imagine what would have been posted about me if the internet and social media were like they are today when I was in the thick of my gawky stage. I can tell you that I wouldn’t have started this blog post with how happy my childhood was.

If you can deal with all that then you also have to worry about your children sexting or being sexted, receiving and sending completely inappropriate texts that they can delete at any moment, and putting too much info on Facebook, snapchat, instagram, etc. Ugh, its frightening to think about. Don’t even get me thinking about “cyber-stalking” 😦

I remember when my parents found a note in my jeans from a boy in highschool. It was totally inappropriate and awesome. I got to have a long talk with my mom that night and the note went into the garbage never to be seen again. All I find in pockets here are cough drops (so far, thank God!). At least as mortified as I was when my parents were showing me that note and talking to me, they knew they dealt with it and could move on. The note was gone, but today if something is posted online, it’s never really gone, even if deleted. With texting, unless you are reading all your kids texts or have them sent to your phone, its kinda like outta sight, outta mind unless something major does happen. Who knows what is being said via text and who knows if you even get them all (I would delete all texts immediately if I were a teen now) and my thought, do I really want to know? At least I have a while for that with my kids and by that time we’ll probably have microchips implanted in us by the government and all they’ll have to do is think their message….I digress…

As I’m rambling on and on I’ll try to get back to my point of this if there even is one.

We are more “connected” as ever to everyone in the world but I feel like because of this we are more “disconnected” as ever. We as a society have become so selfish and human contact is dwindling away, and this can be related to our technology. We are quick to post our status updates of our great day, or our kids, or our cars and homes with cute little captions below.  We cant wait to see how many “likes” we get-“why didn’t so and so not like this picture yet”?? “How come I only have 10 likes but Suzy’s picture has 20”?? We get weird. When someone posts something unpleasant or a struggle they are having, we comment that we are here for them and not to hesitate to call us if needed but do we go out of our way to call them or actually visit them to see how they are doing?

I’m willing to bet not.

And how many fights have erupted because you misconstrue a text message and become irate? Happens to me ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Can’t tell you how many fights Matt and I have been in over a stupid misunderstood text message. Ridiculous!

But there is good too. I love posting about my kids and gushing and being able to share with family and friends that are not close by. I love reading stories on FB where good overcomes bad. And I cry and feel thankful for my life when I read about people who are struck with tragedy. We are able to reach a broad vast group quickly when needed and can even fundraise while wearing our pajamas. I’ve gotten a lot of inspiration from the internet and have broadened my cooking horizons. If I’m unsure of the answer for something, I just “google” it. That is great.

But let’s not get away from the simple things in life too. Human connection and hearing someone’s voice are vital even when it’s just plain easier to text someone instead of calling them. Reach out and really be “connected” to people. Unplug your life every once in a while and go back to simpler times. Maybe even play a board (gasp!) game instead of a video game or app on your phone. Print out pictures from your phone and make a scrapbook or put in a photo album. Use today’s technology for something good if you must be “connected”.

Make some memories.

Success

“Successful mothers are not the ones that have never struggled. They are the ones that never give up, despite the struggles.” -Sharon Jaynes

I had an uninterrupted shower last night after work and it was divine. Full of hot water, deep thoughts and relaxation.  I love when I can take as long as I want in the shower and totally unwind. Well while I was in the shower I got to thinking. If raising my kids is my number 1 job right now and my son is really challenging me and making me work really hard at it, when will I feel like I have succeeded? I was taken back to when I was a 20 something and working as a service director at some of the top country/golf clubs in Ohio (one is even world renown).  I felt huge amounts of success and satisfaction all the time and very rarely felt defeated or frustrated beyond belief.  Why is that? The thoughts kept racing around and I figured out that I felt so successful then because in my position I saw immediate results.  I was in total control of the situations at hand and I rocked it! I truly loved what I did and damn it, I was great at it! I had no degree, but worked my way up the ladder and people noticed my capabilities and promoted me or hired me.  Being a mom, there really aren’t any promotions other than you and your child surviving to the next milestone and ultimately you have to wait many, many years to find out if you were successful raising them once they are adults.

I don’t want to lead anyone astray, I do love my kids SO much that its unbelievable to me at times. I am truly grateful for the blessings I have received from God and I know that I am so lucky to have them. I try hard to remind myself that every time I’m at my wit’s end and need my 10 deep breaths. It usually always works, and the sweetness in their faces reiterates that message to me. But still most days I feel unsuccessful as a mother. I can’t help it, it’s a deep-seated feeling and I am hoping to shake it. I know that I’ll never be perfect and I I know that all the blogs, posts, pins,and books that I see and read that show “perfect” moms are hogwash. I know I’m a decent mom and my kids are good people (better behaved when away from me which should prove to me some success), but something in me is still missing.

When I was working, my job was to be in charge of many people and manage events.  I worked weddings that cost $500,00 and some of the brides had dresses personally hand-made by Vera Wang. They were amazing events with lots of details to attend to. I find as mom, I tend to obsess about all the little details of my kids days and try to control them like I did at my job, and when I can’t that’s when I feel out of control.  I am a helicopter mom to an extent and sometimes it’s so hard for me when my young children don’t act like the adult I want them to.

People remind me ALL THE TIME-they are KIDS!!!!!

Its becoming my new mantra: let them be kids. Boy is that a tough one for me. I admire my son’s stubbornness at times because I am hopeful that he’ll use that for good when a teenager, but at age 5 it drives me nuts! I have to remove myself from the room more now to let my kids figure it out or I end up spending 20 minutes arguing with them, which my husband can’t stand and he says I do to much of. I find when they are playing with something, I start telling them how to play with it and get annoyed when they don’t do it “my way”. What the heck is my problem? Why do I want everything my way? Is it because of my past career? I didn’t really realize until sitting here and writing this what a control freak I am!

Slowly I am getting better with this but it’s going to take time. I am better when the weather is warmer and they can play outside and be more free. I need to measure my current mom success by the week or month and not waiting for the “final product”, especially since we are people and we are never done evolving. I need to let go more and let them live and learn.

It is hard!

I just want so much for them and I want it now. I would also like to tell them something and have them listen the very first time and just do as told. Not reality! So as school is wrapping up for Noah and he’ll be home all summer, my goal is to let go more. Let him be a kid, try not to obsess over everything and become more patient.  It’s funny how God provides you with what you need without you really knowing it. I want more patience and he’ll provide me with many circumstances to work on that. I just won’t be granted more patience, I’ll be put in positions that will try my patience and its up to me to succeed or fail.

I hope to succeed this summer and I imagine I’ll drink a lot too in the process 🙂 I’ll keep you posted!

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