Excuse me self, are you like having a mid-life crisis?

So summer has been moving right along.  Its been a very rainy summer which can be depressing, but we take the good days with the bad here in Ohio. I recently went to my best friend’s daughters 5th birthday party and was talking with her about how we have been friends for 28 years now.  Holy Cow!!!! 28 years! I can’t even put words to how that makes me feel.  On one hand I’m so blessed to know her and have had her in my life this long, on the other hand hearing it out loud makes me feel so old. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve had a hard time with growing older this year. It’s not like I’m having a “mid-life crisis” it’s just that I don’t feel old (or older) and when I think about being friends with someone for 28 years, or that I’ve been out of high school for 18 years, or that Goonies came out 30 years ago, I can’t process it. Time has flown by and I guess that is what my problem is-its going to fast.

Another thing that proves how fast time is going for me, is the fact that Reagan is 3 now and her 3 years of life have seriously flown by.  I was thinking about how Noah was 3 years and 2 weeks old when Reagan was born and it seemed to go so much slower (I’m guessing because he didn’t sleep so it felt like 6 years, not 3?). In Noah’s first 3 years, we had so much to deal with concerning him and then after a couple of years we made the decision to try for another baby (There’s no way God would give us another child like Noah who never sleeps, and besides we are already up so we should just have another because what’s one more when you’re up at 3 a.m. anyways, we thought), I was pregnant and all the preparations that happen with that, and we built a house and moved-all in that time. Reagan came and BAM! 3 years old already. It’s baffling the time perspectives with different things in life.

I’m ok with my age (36) even though I joke that I’m 26 this year. My coworkers even got me a cake that said Happy “26th” birthday on it. I accept that I’m nearing 40, but I just don’t feel that way. I get sentimental or sad I suppose, at how fast it is all going lately and that’s my problem.  It’s really weird when you start to say “remember 20 years ago when….” or that happened 25 years ago. I honestly don’t even feel like I’ve been out of high school for almost 2 decades.

Where does the time go? I admit that I am a professional procrastinator. Always have been, always will be I guess.  I get shit done, but I’m not an A type personality that wakes up at the crack of dawn, gets to my list and gets it all done before 10am.  I do like to be organized and have lists and things jotted down that I want to try or things I need to accomplish, I just don’t always get to it, or I say I will do it tomorrow and then tomorrow turns into next week and I’m still at square one. I often use my kids as an excuse since they are always on top of me (a work in progress there), but the truth is I do have some time when they are both doing something else and then I just sit there and look at Facebook or skim through a magazine real quick or watch a TV show because I feel like I have a minute to myself and want to be lazy for myself.  I always feel like I can never get on top of my house work either so that I can just chill with the kids without chores lingering on my mind, sometimes I swear the house is swallowing me whole.

How do I meet myself in the middle? The type A side of me wants to get the house clean and do A. B. and C. before I can relax and the type B side of me says “it’ll be there tomorrow, today is a nice day just hang out and do nothing, you deserve a break” all while my kids are calling my name every 5 seconds and I want them to play outside when it’s nice out, but I have to be out there with them to keep my eye on them (well with Reagan I do). I feel like I’m pulled in 20 different ways, then work 5 nights a week and today turns into tomorrow which then becomes next week which fly’s into next month and before I know it, I’m here reminiscing on where the last 20 years have gone. Do I need better time management? Do I accept that things will not be perfect until the kids are older? Do I need a small break to get away and clear my “always on” mind? Maybe if I were more laid back (even though I feel like a pretty go with the flow type) when I’m doing one thing I wouldn’t be thinking about the 20 other things that I need to do?? Is this like normal you are an adult and have kids type of thoughts? Geesh!

I have been using essential oils to help with my emotions and I do like using them a lot. I’m also consciously working on myself and trying to be a good mom and spend quality time with my kids while they are young. I do my best to do all that and get some stuff done around the house so that its not a disaster when my husband gets home but sometimes I fail in that department.  I want to spend more time making memories for and with my kids, but haven’t really figured out how to do that well yet either.  I just want them to stop growing up so fast but I know that’s not reality.

Life is tough, even when its going good. Internal struggles abound and will never cease. I need to be happy with what’s going on now and not get too far ahead of myself. We are not guaranteed a specific amount of time here on Earth and I should be thankful that I’ve had 36 really great years overall. I love watching my kids being kids and trying new things or being goofy, and especially when they are loving on each other. That’s what I think its all about at this stage for me. Maybe I can set a goal to get a couple things done per week and meet myself in the middle?  All I can do is try my best right?!? That’s what I tell my kids at least.

“Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next.” -Anonymous

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